Author: Angela Evans
Feedback: As always.
Distribution: FF.net, my lj, or ask me
Disclaimer: Not mine. But I do accept gifts.
Spoilers: Season finale AND next season
Summary: Someone doesn’t measure up in Tony’s estimation.
Classification: Tony POV, angst, implied Tony/Kate
Author’s Note: Thanks to Jasmine, for the help and encouragement
Muse-ic: “Kathleen” – Josh Ritter, “1000 Oceans” – Tori Amos, “Perfect Memory” – RemyZero, “Everything Around Me Is Changing” – Sinead Lohan
She’s not Kate.
She has the desk across from yours – Kate’s desk; it’ll never be her desk. She’ll never be Kate, never take Kate’s place, not for you.
You hate her. You want to blame her for Kate’s death, even though you know Ari pulled the trigger, not Vivienne. But she wouldn’t be here, at Kate’s desk, if Kate weren’t dead. You hate her for moving in, uninvited, and taking up Kate’s space. You hate her because it’s not the same. She doesn’t play along like Kate did, doesn’t take the bait.
You want Kate back. You want to send Vivienne back to wherever it was she came from. No thank you, she’s not what we ordered.
McGee and Gibbs don’t seem to understand this. Gibbs yelled at you for taking out your anger at Ari on Vivienne, but that’s not why you hate her. McGee said you were in the anger stage. McGee talked a lot about the stages of grief, actually. He’s still in denial, poor kid.
It’s not that they don’t miss Kate. You’ve seen it in their faces, their gestures, the way they talk. Gibbs couldn’t look you in the eye when he said Kate’s name, and when he did, there was fresh anger and guilt and regret there. McGee almost called Vivienne ‘Kate’, but when he looked across at where Kate should be but wasn’t, his voice dropped out. Abby stalks around her lab and Ducky just looks older. But they’re accepting Vivienne, grudgingly.
But she’s not Kate.
She never will be.
She didn’t glare at you like Kate did. She didn’t fight dirty over the spring break photos like Kate did. She didn’t stay with you in quarantine, giving you hell for getting sick to hide her fear. She didn’t cry on Ducky’s shoulder. She hasn’t done any of the hundreds of things Kate did.
She’s not Kate. She never will be.